Monday, April 28, 2014

Dear Daughter,

Pamela & Tamara threw us a baby shower this past weekend! At this point, I can assure you that you will always be dressed well & never grow cold! There are so many people who love you so much already! I'm overwhelmed with the outpouring of support I have received from everyone - one thing is sure: we will always be taken care of!
Words cannot express the amount of love I have for you. When I heard people say, "I never knew this type of love existed" I didn't understand what they meant. How could I? Plus, I thought it couldn't be any stronger than the love I have for your fur sisters - because God knows they consumed my heart & thoughts before you. Now, I have YOU, this actual human being, inside me that I've watched grow from one inch to three inches and now you're 16 inches! You're constantly reminding me that you're here with kicks and punches. You like it when I laugh and when you hear your daddy's voice. I KNOW you now - We have made you - I completely understand what all the other moms are talking about. It's a level of love I've only read about in the Bible. A level of love so much stronger than the love I have for your daddy. A love that I don't think you'll ever understand until you become a mother. I sit and wonder how God could love me so much no matter how terrible I can be. I get it now. 
I want you to know that I'll need your patience and trust. I'm obviously new to this and still petrified at the thought of being responsible for every breath you take. It will take some learning, on my behalf, on how to manage this love I have for you. I'm certain that I will disappoint you and let you down at some point. I hope you can take my hand and know that we are in this together. You are MINE forever.

I love you baby,

Monday, April 7, 2014

Dear Daughter,

Oh my - what strong, little legs you have! You're moving so much more now & determined to let your presence known. That's ok... I'm really proud to be the mother of a determined little girl. & I'm really in love with this bond that we have that no one else can even fathom. I know that when you get here your daddy will be wrapped around your little finger - but until then it's just me and you, kiddo. 
Something at church struck a chord in me, yesterday. Pastor Scott discussed the fact that God is constantly pursuing us but that means The Devil is, too. This isn't news to me - in fact, before you were conceived this was a huge issue in my mind about becoming a parent. Why would I be so selfish to bring an innocent heart into this world when it is littered with disgusting, vile things? Things that will challenge your faith - &believe me - you will stumble. Things that will make you question your morals - & believe me - you will turn your back on your values (more than once). Even things that will make you wonder, "how could a loving God...?" Daughter, I had three years to battle with this before God determined that we were ready to be parents. T.H.R.E.E.
The thing is, we live in a dark world full of dark things. But, we can be the sunshine. We can be the moon and the stars. YOU have the ability to be such a beautiful addition to God's Creation. You're already such a light in my world. You're a whole new perspective for me. You're a wonderful, lovely thought in my world and beat in my heart. 
I want you to know that God has a plan for you - & it's SO great that it took Him three years to develop it! Don't be afraid to spread your light - to share it! The best decision I ever made was to agree to create another warrior for Christ. 

I love you baby,


Monday, March 31, 2014

Dear Daughter,

There will be times in life where people will question your decisions and try to discourage you. Don't allow those people to take what makes you 'you' away. Don't allow those people to make you doubt yourself and the choice you have made if it was what you believed to be best for you and your spirit at the time. God made every single one of us different and unique for a reason. People aren't always going to give you the respect you deserve or the praise you expect. Don't let that bring you down. I encourage you to embrace your unique qualities and be who you want to be - no matter what. I may not always support your decisions but I will ALWAYS be proud of you for staying true to yourself. I pray that you find treasure in what most see as trash, the beauty in things that the world deems ugly, and the inside over the outside of all human beings. Most importantly, I want you to understand that every step you take in any direction is going to lead you to become the woman you are meant to be. I don't always believe that the things I regret were 'bad decisions'. I think I regret some things because I disappointed those closest to me in the process. However, I also believe that those people would agree that I have become a stronger, more capable young woman because of those decisions.

I guess what I'm trying to say is - I hope you strive to be independent, different, and strong.

No, this does not mean you can wear whatever you want to. Put those booty shorts down or I will beat you. :)



Thursday, March 27, 2014

Getting Older... & stuff

I was up at 3 a.m. two nights ago.
Actually, I'm up at 3 a.m. most nights [mornings?].
I'm not allowed to blame Mackenzie any longer - per her daddy - but #letsbehonest I wouldn't be up if someone wasn't punching/kicking me incessantly. 
Sadly, two nights ago, she woke me up and I couldn't enjoy it.
I had this serious case of crazy come over me and all I could think about were the awful things to come. I stayed awake until after 4 thinking:

"What if I get in a car accident tomorrow and die? What if they save Kenzie and Shawn has to raise her alone? Will he find someone else to raise her and will she ever really feel like I was her mother?"
"What if Shawn dies in a house fire? Will I want to find someone else? It just doesn't seem right to hear her call someone else 'daddy' but it wouldn't be fair to deny her that right, either."
"What will she go through when I die - period. What if she's 30 and can totally handle it? But, then she has to go through the pain of reliving memories. Would I rather die before she knows me at all or after?"
Yes - total death analysis.
I have never had to have these 'adult' thoughts before - now I feel completely unprepared for life in general. How am I going to handle her skinned knees, broken hearts, and disappointments? How am I going to explain to her that life is not at all what we want it to be? How am I supposed to teach my daughter that she is special, beautiful, and worthy - when the world is going to completely shut her down every. single. time. 
I worry for my daughter. 
I lose sleep for my daughter.
I am angry for my daughter.
But, God knows, I am so in love with her.
I want to protect her - knowing I can't.
I want to encourage her - knowing she'll be let down.
 I just pray that she knows how badly I want these things for her and how I will do anything to make them happen.


Sunday, March 16, 2014

Mackenzie Weekly

It's probably time to start sharing my bump photos with you all. I'm assuming from my title that y'all have figured out IT'S A GIRL! Shawn and I decided on Mackenzie Nicole and we are over the moon. More photos to come - especially since I am typing this from my brand new iPad Air! My life is so complete.

Wednesday, February 12, 2014

Oh - The Irony.

The last time I posted I made a comment about having a "big, pregnant belly".

Well, I'm sitting here - 18 weeks pregnant - and I'm wondering how different my life is going to be.
I have one sweet girl laying at the corner or the couch, another sweet girl laying on the floor beside her, the snow is pouring down, Shawn is working, and I'm laying under a warm blanket in the peace and quiet. There is no screaming baby, no bottles to be fed/washed, and no diapers to change. It's my life - or what it used to be. I am unsure, right now, if I can't wait or if I'm scared to death.

There are a lot of things that people don't tell you can happen when you find out you're pregnant.
For instance, no matter how long you try to get pregnant [hello - three years], you will still feel a gut punch when you see those two pink lines. You will also feel like you're sixteen & pregnant when you realize you have to tell your parents. 
You will wake up in the middle of the night just because you rolled over on your chest and it feels like someone just stabbed a fifty needles into your boobs. 
You will have to take Tylenol PM just to get a good nights sleep because, even if you don't have to pee, you will suffer from severe insomnia. 
You will only want oatmeal for breakfast, lunch, and dinner for about two weeks - and then you will not be able to stand the sight of it ever again. 
You will most certainly smell a fart from a mile away and you'll pray that your nose sets fire to itself. Can you say nosebleeds? Sneezing? Stuffiness? Oh, the joy of everything swelling. 
You'll be in bed by 8 pm and begin to wonder if you'll ever have sex again. The exhaustion just cannot be put into words but it was explained to me in a wonderful way, "you're growing another human inside of your body!!"
The migraines. 
But, there's also the insane explosion of your heart when you catch a glimpse of your growing belly in the mirror as you pass by the bathroom.
The way every love song ever written is no longer about your spouse and completely syncs to how you feel about your baby.
How your entire world stops when you feel the baby have a dance party.. even at 2 am.
Just the sight of the nursery brings tears with your eyes.
 You will fall more in love with your husband - in ways you didn't imagine possible - for reasons that you never thought.

I've already cried over my baby's first award ceremony, first sports accomplishment, first broken heart... 

So, before you think you're ready, you should know that you're not. It is not humanly possible to be ready. Not emotionally. I'm a selfish, self-centered, independent person - and I really can't wait to throw that all away to [attempt to] be the best mother ever.

I'm also scared to death.


Friday, May 17, 2013

Half of my heart...

I keep making these "Hey! I'm Back!" promises and I haven't kept them - at all.
I can't make anymore promises when it comes to blogging.
My heart simply isn't in it like it used to be.
My 'outlet' became more of a competition.
I found myself having to defend myself on something I posted to people who mean absolutely nothing to me.
That's not why I started blogging.
So, screw all of you blogging Nazi's who feel the need to patronize people on their own blogs because your feelings got hurt. There's a red button somewhere in the corner [depending on if you have a MAC or a PC] that will lead you to a happier place - which I'm sure you normally can only find happiness in the frozen snack section of Wal-Mart. You stole my thunder and took all the passion out of it for me.
Anyway - I really do hope to be back with more fire and spunk than ever.
I got a new job that is a significant pay increase for my family!
It's a step up the ladder in my career, too.
Life is slowly falling into place and this ache to impregnate myself has subsided.
I am down to my goal weight of 125 [20 lb lost] and have my first Personal Training session planned for June 8. He threatened to torture me so I am scared to death; but bring. it. on.
It's going to be hard to look tough and mean with a big, pregnant belly.
So, we will just have to see what God has in store for us.
*fingers crossed that it's a hot body!*



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